The Depressed Mind

It is all a mess. Even more so than it was back then.

 

What was I thinking?

 

I don’t know. There is no wonder in that. A dreaming kid oblivious about the reality of the world. What more could there be? I never knew the answers. There sure were a lot of questions.

About the future.

About life.

About family.

Even about the pets.

 

But I never tried to answer any of those self-posed questions. Always the procrastinator. I thought I would find answers later. Or did I expect the answers to find me? I don’t know. It was easy that way. I will have been the richest person if laziness is a paid profession. But can I fully blame laziness? There were moments when I was super active. My priorities were different even at those moments. I was super excited about the new pieces of information. I started to struggle as the level of subjects advanced. The easy solution was to learn the basics of countless subjects. I skipped the advanced side of most subjects. That was much easier than working hard.  But one has to master at least one subject. That was where the mistakes started.  To master a topic one needs hard work, patience, and time. Oh, I forgot one - will power. The never-ending drive to tame the target. Then again my feet were on the wrong priorities.

 

I did not have enough willpower needed. All I ever determined about was understanding people. Their body language, weaknesses, interests, dislikes… The list would go on and on. There were lots of people I claimed I understood. Well, I certainly knew them better than others. But did I understood them? I doubt that now. If I did, would I be having more people I hate than I love? I doubt that. Come to think of it; I am not much of a people’s person as I thought I am. I used to fantasize about becoming a mentalist and manipulating people. Well, that fantasy is broken into shards by the blunt edge of reality.

 

Reality is often disappointing. There was a time when I thought reality would be whatever I want. Like Thanos giving the great monologue on reality. But it is not always as shown in the films. In this world, there is no aether or soul stone to shape reality. A person can only get so much. We cannot achieve all our dreams. The rules of dreams do not bind to this world. Here there is only action and reaction. Everything is predictable if you know the initial condition to the level of subatomic particles. But indeed, it is hard to learn a system like that. Take, for example, the human mind. It works in mysterious ways, they say. But does it? In a road accident, a humane person would only try to save the victim. It is easy to predict. If a tiger is running towards us, we try to run to safety. There is no rocket science here, it seems. But things are not always this simple. There are a lot of things we cannot predict. We cannot know what will change us until it happens. We do not know who we fall in love with, nor can we say when we would end up hating someone. The problem is with the initial condition. The variables are not yet fully explored. By the time we discover, it would be too late.

 

It seems we are powerless in front of the raging flow of time. A turbulent flow of unpredictable chaos. I have heard people say there could be infinite realities. I think reality shapes time. It could be twisted and shaped based on the will of time. But does the time have a will? I suppose the will of time is God.

 

What else would be God if not the shaper of reality and the controller of time? I am neither a theist nor an atheist. Am I an agnostic person? I am not so sure. I do not know if there exists a god or not. But if there ever is one, I do not believe he cares much. I am not even sure if we can, with proof, explain the existence or absence of a God, Gods, or God-like powers. Only time will say, but then we are back at the mercy of time again. I always wasted time thinking about abstract philosophies that have no impact on my life. These philosophies used to be so unique and strange that I started to think I am unique. Don’t get me wrong, everybody is unique. But I thought I am special, a chosen one. Well, it is not the case.

 

Recently I saw a post on Facebook which explained it simply. It was an image of few kitchen forks neatly arranged horizontally on a mat placed over a table. There were six forks and all were smooth and polished. There is only one problem. One of the forks had its teeth twisted in all directions, making them useless. The caption for the poster reads, “Just because you are unique doesn’t mean you are useful.” I have already started to realize the stupid side of my uniqueness sometime before seeing that post. But this was the final nail to the coffin. So you can be a useless person even if you are unique. It is depressing when you realize people also think the same way as you do.  The question starts to boil black inside the heart.

 

A person can always find happiness if he is gifted. He can cherish his gifts and find acceptance from society. But are you gifted? “Everybody is gifted”, I have often heard people say this, but I seriously doubt this. Also, not every person could realize their talent from an early stage. Most people labor their day doing what they have been doing since they can remember. Most people are stuck on a monthly wage job, not exploring their inner self, or stuck studying something they have no interest in. Where is art? The poems, drawings, songs, stories, plays. I started wondering if I am wasting my time. What have I achieved so far? The thought is terrifying.

 

I have had dreams. But I decided long ago that I would not accomplish them anyway. The lack of confidence. I felt it was more of a lack of talent. Not just the talent for doing what I dreamed, but also the will to fight for my talent. Time has punished me hard for my ignorance.

 

Tomorrow used to mean hope. But that is not the case anymore. As a person ages, he starts to fear the future. It is anxiety slowly starting to drown the thoughts. The world is so cruel. Hard work, passion, and willpower can change that. Having someone to push you to success constantly is such a huge boon. I am lucky to have a few of them. It is not their fault that I am ignoring their words. Angels and demons truly exist. Angels are those who strive to uplift us. It could be our thoughts or some external person rooting for us. For finding demons, you only have to look inside. They are feeding on your thoughts and emotions. I think they can die. But it is no easy feat. Sheer will power is the only weapon that can wound them.

 

Understanding is crucial here. I cannot escape just by blaming the demons. It sure is a mess. But I have to understand that I make my demons. Instead of killing them when I could, I nourished them. I thought I could tame them and train them. I couldn’t be more wrong.

 

The thoughts and emotions are strong entities. One has to be very careful while handling them. What is tomorrow is a scary mystery now. At least now I know what was wrong. But would that be enough, I am not sure? It would have been a relief to believe in something. But a skeptic and cynical mind are beyond the scope of beliefs. Beliefs do not hold power for such people. Because there is no such concept in reality for us. What is irritating is that others will not understand it. They have witnessed the true power of belief and assume it would work the same for us. Sadly, that does not work the same for every person. We do not even have that concept to start with.

 

The problem is evident here. I just do not have the answers. But finally, I have realized the importance of the answers. I have to fight for them. No one will find it for me. There are a million answers to a single question. It is hard to find. Elusive as always, they still evade my shadows. For me, the meaning is still elusive, questions hard to catch and the future oblivious as it was. The nights pass by without changing much. It is going to be over soon. A new dawn will rise. A new era would shine with it. For that day, I am fighting now. I know there are a lot out there like me, clueless and ignorant of reality. I know you will understand. Would we all wake up from this agony of reality? I am looking forward to finding that out myself.